Happy New Year, diary. I feel melancholy. The old dates hold no magic anymore. My New Year's resolution is to find new occasions to celebrate.
January 21
I feel reborn. Today I celebrated National Hugging Day for the first time. I want to Elliot Memorial Hospital, covered myself in infected blood, and visited the children's ward.
February 2
Happy Groundhog Day! My new house guest and I are going to watch the stream from Punxsutawney together. If the rodent predicts an early spring, I'll let my new friend go. But if the groundhog retreats to his burrow, I'll bury my guest alive.
June 5
World Environment Day, a worthy, important cause. I passed this message onto a class of schoolchildren by forcing them to drink ACE Chemicals runoff. They won't pollute now.
September 19
Dear Diary, Happy International Talk Like a Pirate Day ! Today I cut off a man's leg and nailed a wooden peg in its place. He couldn't walk the plank. Very disappointing.
Checked on my scurvy victim but she wasn't ready. Next year.
September 21
Happy World Peace Day. I left bombs at the Quraci embassy.
October 29
Halloween tempts me. I promised Batman I would be present at his end, and All Hallow's Eve is the perfect time to bid farewell to him! I will make this one exception in my year of alternative celebrations.
October 31
Damn Scarecrow.
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